What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 01.07.2025 00:06
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I write beautiful poetry .
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
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Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
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I was scared of men, in general
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
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They are buried together, in the same grave..
I waited trembling.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
What are you wearing under your clothes today?
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I could never make a relationship work though!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
And who doesn’t know suffering?
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Comes on , in middle age.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
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So, i spoilt her more .
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
She wouldn,t have been !
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I was very sick at this time too.
Put me off passion for life!!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Can a meme heal what therapy can't?
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
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Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I said to her
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Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
So whats the point in blame.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I was seconnd youngest,
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Would this be the day?
Why did i forgive my father ?
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I don,t even have a pension.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
One cannot live in the past .
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
And i lived it daily.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
She loved him until the end.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
She found it foreign!.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Especially a lifetime of it.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
He knew the spot.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
My life is so biszare .
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
He resisted the act ,that day.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
But it wasn’t much.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
All the time i was locked up.
We were not on the streets..
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I never cut or harmed myself..
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
When she asked me how she looked .
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
But, we were locked up after school.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
She married twice! .
What did i know ?
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Who then, do I blame.?
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Ive learnt so much.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
(And it was in our own minds.)
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
My family never makes their pension either.
Im still living with it.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
We all went to grammer schools
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I was 9 years of age.
But ive been too sick for many years..
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I will be 64.
This is soul school!.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
As i do to all so called friends.?
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I couldn’t, believe it.
Was to survive, this bastard.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
She was in good health!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
It was going to be , some day.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I have no regrets .
I think the readers, may guess!
Im dying but, im not bitter.